merry chrismakah

It is xmas morning. and although I am jewish I still find something holy in today. Perhaps it is because my family celebrated xmas when we were children. Yes, we were those terrible kind of jews who enjoyed all the fun and material parts of xmas - the presents, santa claus and candy canes. Of course a tree was out of the question because no rightminded jewish family would have a tree. That was the height of goyishness. I remember being told by someone, certainly not my parents, that a lit xmas tree represented the burning of the jews - really.

I still have special memories of xmas morning. I even remember my parents decorating our apartment with beautiful little tinfoil bells. I also remember a certain xmas when I was 7 or 8 years old, receiving a Kodak instamatic camera. Apparently, I jumped into my parent's bed saying" He got me exactly what I wanted".

Some of my happiest childhood memories, perhaps the happiest, are of xmas mornings. The splendid array of gifts wrapped in a plethora of papers and tied with colorful ribbons piled up high in our living room. I have to admit that I alwys thought that Hannukah was second best. Somehow, lighting those candles for 8 days just didn't measure up to the magic of xmas morning, jew or not.

I guess that's why the term Chrismakah really appeals to me. I think I'm just tired of feeling guilty for being a jew who likes xmas.

conflicts, pain and inspiration

last night we went to our final adoption support group session. we have grown close to the other three couples who have shared their conflicts, pain and inspiration with us. In the previous session we had learned that one couple in the group had been selected by a birthmother to adopt her unborn baby. We had all greeted the news with much excitement and joy . V & J were adopting through a special adoption program for African American families. We were all happy for them.

They had been told that they should be prepared that the birthmother could change her mind at any time. She was from Ghana and already had 4 children, three of which lived in Ghana. She didn't want to tell her family that she was expecting again. She had come late to the adoption agency and her due date was only in a few days. We left the session last week hopeful that things would work out for V & J.

Last evening we found out that indeed, the birthmother had changed her mind and decided to keep her baby. V said that when she got the phone call, all of her past disappointments came rushing through her mind - All the miscarriages and failed invitro cycles. Again, she was overcome with sadness and anger at herself. A sense that nothing good ever comes her way. Disapointment seemed like a familiar experience. Indeed, we could all relate to this feeling - the sense that life is unfair to us. And somehow that feeling turns into anger towards ourselves.

Although Phyllis the support group facilitator, commiserated with V's sad feelings, she would not let her drown in these negative feelings. She said that there is a difference between pain and suffering. To be in pain is to experience the sadness and disappointment - to suffer is to wallow in these feelings and to ultimately blame oneself. And the reality is that V had no control over the adoption. It was not in her power whether the mother would keep her baby or not.

J had told us the week before that he had cried with joy in his car on his way to work thinking about the possibility of getting the new baby. He was going to be a father, somethiing he had always wanted. This week, he said that he knew it wasn't going to work out when the adoption agency failed to call when they said they would. He looked at his watch and thought, "something is not right".

So we left the meeting, our last, feeling sadness for our new friends, fellow travellers in this difficult adoption journey.

We also felt certain that there would be another baby and it would be the right baby for them.

.

just when we thought the wait was almost over

I spoke to our adoption coordinator Lauren yesterday. For unknown reasons, Russia has closed it's databank which in a nutshell means, they are not scheduling court dates to validate the adoptions. This is particularly problematic for families who have already been to Russia and have met their child and are awaiting the return trip. The shutdown has only been a week long and they surmise it is caused by some government re-organization going on since Putin was re-elected in March.

The adoption agency is mildly concerned but does not believe Russia will close down international adoptions because the head of the MInistry for family services is very pro-international adoption. So basically, she said, not to be alarmed, this is all a part of the process of adopting from a Foreign country.

the news did put a damper on my spirits. I did go to that dark place of doom and gloom, and started to wonder if we were ever going to have a baby at all.

Perhaps the dark feelings began the other night at our building Xmas party. Although I enjoyed talking with my lovely pregnant neighbor, Ruth, I did find myself feeling a little deprived of the pregnancy experience and a little bit awkward having to verbally communicate my Pre-natal state. One can go so quickly frome exuberance to feeling pathetic. We talked baby furniture, strollers, names and fixing our closets to make room for the new addition to our respective families. So we talked like anxious parents to be are wont to do - about all the stuff involved with a new baby. Perhaps that is because talking about what really scares us is just too overwhelming. That is, will our babies love us? will we love them? will our lives be turned upside down.? will we ever have a moment to ourselves again? Will our child be normal, smart, pretty, all that we have hoped for?

Of course, these are all questions that we ask standing on the far side of parenthood- having no idea what to really expect and counting on our intuition, baby books, helpful friends and family to guide us through.

So we continue to wait for news from Russia

the waiting is almost over

We have been told by our adoption coordinator, Lauren, that we will be given a referral - a picture and medical information somewhere around January 10, 2005. Russia basically shuts down from January 1-10 for their Xmas and new year holidays. So they will be up and running again around the 10th. And if all goes well, we will be travelling to Russia at the end of January for our first trip to meet our child and start the adoption process which will require a second trip a month or so later to pick up our baby. We will also be able to have a doctor examine our child there- a special doctor whom we will hire to come to the orphanage.

I feel stunned at this point that my life will change so dramatically within the next few months. I fluctuate between being very excited and feeling terrified. The woman across the hall from us is pregnant and I still feel a pang of longing when I see her bulging belly. And my process is so invisible and hard to share with others. This is so unlike giving birth or being pregnant. My personal trainer, Elizabeth, upon hearing of the impending trip said, " so you're basically pregnant right now". I thought that was very sensitive and kind for her to say.

Phyllis, the support group leader and our personal adoption therapist told us at our last session " you and Jeff are really ready to get on that plane.." And I believe that we are.