Waiting for Sonia

Going through this adoption process has been more stressful than I had anticipated. I didn't spend a whole lot of time deciding whether to adopt. My experience with infertility treatments had failed and I was very, very sad - I felt like my body had failed me and I was depressed. The whole experience had been so extreme - moments of hope followed by terrible disappointment and dispair. What I did know at the end of it was that I still wanted to be a mom and to create a family. So adopting seemed like the logiical next step. I knew there were many risks, but I did what I often do - close my eyes and dive in -
So here we are a little over a year later, waiting to meet our Russian baby Sonia. We have her photograph which was taken when she was 3 months old ( we think) and she is now 7 months old. When we see her, she will look a whole lot different. I have no idea what to expect. I met a nice woman who told me that she felt attached to her daughter from Ukraine almost the moment that they had met - And the little girl ( elana) almost immediately began to hang onto her and hasn't let go 2 years later.

The children in orphanages apparently don't necessarily drink milk and eat very strange food like Fish Soup every day. When you get them, you have to be very sensitive to their diet and not introduce foods they may not be used to, like sugar or milk. Also, their eyes are very sensitive and you need to have them wear sunglasses when they go outside. Apparently, they are not taken outside very often so their eyes are sensitive to sunlight.
The woman also said that we should introduce our daughter to Russian speaking people. If they enjoy "talking" to the Russians, it means they have fond memories of their time in the orphanage - if they recoil, they did not. She also said we should start looking for a speech therapist since we will probably need one. So there are a lot of things to think about. She also said that one of the first things you will do at the orphanage will be to read to your child. It helps the bonding process. She also said her daughter is so attached to her it makes her laugh to think about all her concerns about Attachment disorder.

So what did I do? I went to Barnes & Noble and bought "Good night Moon" and "Pat the Bunny". I also bought some developmentally positive rattles and toys. Also, a very cute pair of pink "robeez" - soft little shoes. These are the little things that help me to prepare to be a mom - to assuage my worries and to imagine my new life.

IVF moment of silence

 Dr. Georgeanna S. Jones died today. She and  her husband developed  the first program for in vitro fertilization in the United States.  She was 92 years old. 

Let's have a moment of silence for her  

We dreamed it would work, but it did not

 let's have a moment of silence for our losses

 the numerous shots in our asses

 the careful mixing of vials of drugs

The  early morning  visits to give blood 

the endless sonograms

 the probing and poking by well meaning doctors  

The dashed hopes,

the  despair 

crying on toilet seats at the site of our  menstrual blood.

a moment of silence.

Dear Sonia

Dear Sonia,

we are still waiting to go to Perm to meet you. We are getting more and more excited as we plan to travel in May. That's really not that far off. But it is hard waiting, and knowing you are all alone there. Well, you're not all alone. There are lots of other children, and of course the women who take care of you, whom we hear are very loving and sensitive. We are eager to come to meet you - we've almost finished your room Last weekend, your dad's birthday weekend ( he was 50 - I know that sounds old, but he is very young at heart), he decorated your room with these very adorable animal stickers. It helps to make the room look very childlike and sweet. I think you'll like it. I wonder what your favorite color will be. We are also trying to decide upon a fabric for your curtains. It is all very fun and helps pass the time as we wait to meet you. Also, the rocking chair that we ordered arrived last friday. It is very comfy and I imagine spending a lot of time with you in it. So we are enjoying decorating your room.

We are trying to prepare in other ways as well. I've been reading this very big book called "Touchpoints" written by Brazelton. He's an expert on childcare - He's very sensitive and seems to know every stage a child goes through as they navigate the world. It is good to read the book, and learn what is to be expected, and how to handle some of the changes that will occur.

The woman next door has a new baby girl, Lily. And when I see them together, I long to have you hear with me. I'm looking forward to all the things we will do together,including strolling in the park, going to the playground, and joining a playgroup or a Music class so that we can learn songs and sing together. I'm also looking forward to bathing you, dressing you, teaching you new things, watching you grow and interact with other children.

Your birthday is August 12, so, like me ( and your aunt Louise ), you will have an summer birthday. This can be a bit of a problem when planning a birthday party. But we can always have your birthday party in June or september. But August is a great month to celebrate one's birthday. There is no school and you can go to the beach, fly kites, and do all sorts of fun summer things.
It was Alice's birthday this weekend ( Alice is your cousin, remember? ). She is 8 years old now, and very excited to be so old. She had her birthday party at a local bowling alley. It was lots of fun until Alice started to feel slighted by her friends and that she wasn't getting enough attention. Your aunt louise says that one of the truisms of life is that no child enjoys her own party - and i must say this maybe true. but, we're getting ahead of ourselves. I'm looking forward to having a birthday bash for you on August 12, that is if you are here with us by then which I'm hoping. We love you and think about you all the time.

Your loving Mom and Dad

Letter to sonia

Dear Sonia,

I think about you all the time and hope that you are being well cared for, played with, hugged, snuggled and loved. It is very hard for us to know that you are there and we can't come to meet you. We are saddened by this but know it will be very soon when we get to hold you ourselves.

Your father is very excited to meet you. He took a lot of time and thought in picking out your stroller - it's quite comfy and we think you're going to enjoy riding in it.

We also fixed up your room. We bought you a lot of beautiful furniture. A lovely crib that your father says looks like Noah's ark - an armoire which is already filling up with adorable outfits for you - and a bookcase that is already filled with books from your Aunt and cousins and some very cute stuffed animals, some of which have been given to you by your cousin Alice. Your grandmother Edith gave you a nice panda bear and he is sitting on the shelf right now, waiting for you.

Alice enjoys coming over and playing in your room. Yesterday afternoon, she came over and put her stuffed dog Sandy in your crib. She also put a diaper on him and cut a hole for his tail. It was actually quite funny. I know that she loves you already. She gets very anxious when we talk about all the delays and the political issues surrounding the adoption. She starts telling me to "stop talking, it's boring...". I think she just wants you to be here already as we all do.

Your room is so cozy. We hung a very cute paper mobile over your crib. Your grandmother has already knitted you a lovely and soft pink blanket. It's one of the biggest projects she has undertaken. She is almost finished. Perhaps we will bring it to Russia with us.

Until then, we will be thinking about you all the time and love you very much.

Mom and Dad

the waiting continues

We received a photo of our baby in mid January, but because of new laws in Russia requiring orphans to stay on an adoption registry for 8 months instead of the previous 5 months in order to make the children available to other Russians for adoption, we will not be meeting Sonia ( our baby) until mid May at the earliest - And that's if she isn't already adopted by a Russian Family. The irony is that Russians do not adopt because of poverty as well as social stigma against adoption. If they do adopt, they would adopt newborns.

President Putin changed the law in order to give the appearance of encouraging in-country adoption. It is embarassing for a country when they can't take care of their own children. So in effect, the law is an attempt to save face. The unfortunate consequences is that children are lanquishing in orphanages for longer and longer. It is obvious that the Russian government doesn't care too much about it's children.

We will not take Sonia home until our second trip to Russia which will be 4-8 weeks after our first trip. So she may not be in the USA until the summer ( August?). So it's a long waiting game. I feel frustrated and angered by these delays - If I had known any of this before, I would not have chosen to adopt from Russia. We were given the impression that Russia was one of the easier countries to adopt from, but that is proving to be a fallacy.

The other thing is that we have received little to no medical information. We know that she was born in a hospital and in all likelihood, many blood tests were performed, but they have given us only one diagnosis -"perinatal encephalopathy". this is a diagnosis given to almost 95% of the orphanage population which frequency makes the diagnosis meaningless.

According to Eric Downing, MD in his paper " Russian Adoption Medical Report Interpretation", "While the diagnosis itself sounds alarming to both medical and non-medical individuals, it does not fit a precise western diagnostic category. Western physicians can easily imagine what it might mean, bt they do not know, and without further information the diagnosis will be difficult for them to deal with. Perinatal encephalopathy does not correspond to the western diagnosis of cerebral palsy...encephalopathy might also be diagnosed on the basis of a number of physical findings - such as quivering of the chin and fingers when a child is crying or irritability..." So the diagnosis is fairly meaningless and difficult to translate into an American medical diagnosis.
So we wait for mor useful medical information such as head circumference and length of body so we can trace whether the baby is growing normally. These are the kind of things that will help us. The photograph, although cute, is hard to read medically. So they will either provide us with another photo or we will have to take the photos ourselves when we go to russia and email them back to the "orphan doctor", Dr. Jane Aronson.

So our wait continues. We entertain ourselves by fixing up Sonia's room, buying her toys and preparing for our trip. It's strange knowing that one's life is about to change, but waiting for that to happen.