conflicts, pain and inspiration
last night we went to our final adoption support group session. we have grown close to the other three couples who have shared their conflicts, pain and inspiration with us. In the previous session we had learned that one couple in the group had been selected by a birthmother to adopt her unborn baby. We had all greeted the news with much excitement and joy . V & J were adopting through a special adoption program for African American families. We were all happy for them.
They had been told that they should be prepared that the birthmother could change her mind at any time. She was from Ghana and already had 4 children, three of which lived in Ghana. She didn't want to tell her family that she was expecting again. She had come late to the adoption agency and her due date was only in a few days. We left the session last week hopeful that things would work out for V & J.
Last evening we found out that indeed, the birthmother had changed her mind and decided to keep her baby. V said that when she got the phone call, all of her past disappointments came rushing through her mind - All the miscarriages and failed invitro cycles. Again, she was overcome with sadness and anger at herself. A sense that nothing good ever comes her way. Disapointment seemed like a familiar experience. Indeed, we could all relate to this feeling - the sense that life is unfair to us. And somehow that feeling turns into anger towards ourselves.
Although Phyllis the support group facilitator, commiserated with V's sad feelings, she would not let her drown in these negative feelings. She said that there is a difference between pain and suffering. To be in pain is to experience the sadness and disappointment - to suffer is to wallow in these feelings and to ultimately blame oneself. And the reality is that V had no control over the adoption. It was not in her power whether the mother would keep her baby or not.
J had told us the week before that he had cried with joy in his car on his way to work thinking about the possibility of getting the new baby. He was going to be a father, somethiing he had always wanted. This week, he said that he knew it wasn't going to work out when the adoption agency failed to call when they said they would. He looked at his watch and thought, "something is not right".
So we left the meeting, our last, feeling sadness for our new friends, fellow travellers in this difficult adoption journey.
We also felt certain that there would be another baby and it would be the right baby for them.
.
They had been told that they should be prepared that the birthmother could change her mind at any time. She was from Ghana and already had 4 children, three of which lived in Ghana. She didn't want to tell her family that she was expecting again. She had come late to the adoption agency and her due date was only in a few days. We left the session last week hopeful that things would work out for V & J.
Last evening we found out that indeed, the birthmother had changed her mind and decided to keep her baby. V said that when she got the phone call, all of her past disappointments came rushing through her mind - All the miscarriages and failed invitro cycles. Again, she was overcome with sadness and anger at herself. A sense that nothing good ever comes her way. Disapointment seemed like a familiar experience. Indeed, we could all relate to this feeling - the sense that life is unfair to us. And somehow that feeling turns into anger towards ourselves.
Although Phyllis the support group facilitator, commiserated with V's sad feelings, she would not let her drown in these negative feelings. She said that there is a difference between pain and suffering. To be in pain is to experience the sadness and disappointment - to suffer is to wallow in these feelings and to ultimately blame oneself. And the reality is that V had no control over the adoption. It was not in her power whether the mother would keep her baby or not.
J had told us the week before that he had cried with joy in his car on his way to work thinking about the possibility of getting the new baby. He was going to be a father, somethiing he had always wanted. This week, he said that he knew it wasn't going to work out when the adoption agency failed to call when they said they would. He looked at his watch and thought, "something is not right".
So we left the meeting, our last, feeling sadness for our new friends, fellow travellers in this difficult adoption journey.
We also felt certain that there would be another baby and it would be the right baby for them.
.
posted by mamainwaiting at 7:57 PM
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